


Don't Take Me Back (to That Night)

by LaCacciatrice (orphan_account)



Category: The Flash (Comics), The Flash - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, F/M, Full of Angst, inspired by one of my old fics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-13
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:20:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25886467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/LaCacciatrice
Summary: “I will, Iris.” He gave her one last smile. “I will fight. For us. For a future with you.”
Relationships: Barry Allen/Iris West
Comments: 1
Kudos: 16





	Don't Take Me Back (to That Night)

**Author's Note:**

> English isn't my first or second or third language *shrugs*

Barry Allen wasn’t known for being punctual, it was almost a miracle that David Singh didn’t fire or reported him to Darryl long time ago. Especially considering David’s constant annoyance with Barry’s entire presence. Once Iris found out Barry’s secret identity, she couldn’t stop joking about his tardiness. Barry’s defense was always the same;  _ super speed doesn’t equal super punctual. _

All the jokes aside, Iris didn’t usually mind Barry’s bad habit of always being late. But tonight, it was different. This was supposed to be their date night. Considering Barry’s day job and night patrols, they barely had time for dates. Their relationship was still too new, only two months, and despite flirting with Barry for almost a year (or two if you count Gotham), their relationship felt fragile. Maybe Iris was just scared of losing it, they were both always busy and tired and she felt like they couldn’t enjoy their newfound love and relationship like they were supposed to. So, when Barry didn’t show up to their dinner date at her house, she called CCPN, to ask her co-workers for any Flash sighting. Her friends confirmed that the last time the local hero was seen was 3 hours ago. If he was still running around or fighting a bad guy, Iris would know. The moment Barry put those goofy yellow boots on, the entire Twitter would be filled with excited people claiming they just saw the Scarlet Speedster. It almost became a game for the Central City citizens. The moment someone sees the Flash’s signature red streak or lightning, they would tweet “Spotted! #InAFlash” with the location. 

Iris was almost fond of this Twitter game. She liked to see how much the city admired their local hero. Barry deserved it. Barry deserved to be loved. That’s why Iris planned the most amazing date night for him, to show him how much she loved and appreciated him. Except... he didn’t show up. 

Iris’ next call was to CCPD. Almost everyone in CCPD already knew her long before she started dating Barry. She was constantly annoying officers and CSI around for information. Lucky for her, tonight it was Betty who answered the call and not one of those people she “harassed” for information. Betty was nice enough to let her know that Barry was indeed at the lab and probably still working. Iris thanked her and quickly made her way to CCPD. When Betty saw her walking into the  station this late at night, she nodded at her with a knowing smile and pointed at the labs. Iris forced herself to smile politely and walked toward the stairs. She was going to dismember Barry if he actually ditched their date night to work.

She knew his job was important to him, but so was hers. Yet, she made time to spend time with him. She wanted to be with him. She loved him. And in return, she only wanted him to make time for her as well. That’s all Iris needed.

She opened the door angrily and walked into the dark lab with a confused look on her face. Why would be Barry working in a dark lab? Maybe Betty was wrong, maybe Barry left the work when she wasn’t looking or he used his super speed (which he wouldn’t at work) and he was already at her home, thinking  _ she _ ditched their date night. She sighed tiredly and was about to leave the room when her eyes adjusted to the dark and she noticed a pair of goofy yellow boots.

The Flash? Here in CCPD’s lab?

Iris frowned with worry. There was no reason for Barry to wear his suit in the middle of CCPD. He would never risk exposing his secret identity. She didn’t turn on the lights in case it would attract attention. She walked toward him, the only sound in the lab was her heels hitting the marble floor. She turned around the desk and saw Barry leaning against James’ desk, hands lying on his lap and eyes looking into... Nothing. He didn’t even realize Iris standing next to him. Worry wrapped around her heart like a vine and squeezed. 

She knew. She could feel it. Something happened. And whatever it was, it hurt Barry in a way that Iris could ever imagine. It wasn’t like him, lovely, sweet, talkative, goofy science nerd Barry Allen would pick himself up and pretend as nothing happened. No, this was serious. And whatever happened, it shattered something in Barry. Iris could feel it. Feel his pain. 

Her shaky hands reached forward, not wanting to startle Barry, she slowly reached for his head, pushed soft blond hair back. Her left hand reached to his cheek and caressed the soft skin before turning his face toward hers with slight pressure. It was like suddenly the fastest man alive was replaced by the slowest man alive. He slowly turned his face, blue eyes blankly looked up at her.

“Barry?” He continued to look at her, he didn’t answer her but at least he blinked with more awareness. “Barry, are you alright? What  happened? What are you doing here?”

“I was...” His voice was rough, he coughed twice before answering, “I was thinking.”

“Here?” She looked around. “In the lab?”

“I didn’t know where else to go.” Her hand didn’t leave his cheek, long, elegant fingers continued to caress his skin. Her other hands reached back to massage his neck.

“You could always come back to my place, Barry. Why did you not come to me?”

“I am sorry.” was the only answer he gave her. He closed his eyes tiredly and leaned his head against the wooden desk. Now she could see better in the dark and she noticed how he grimaced like he was in pain. Without asking a question, her eyes traced every part of his body, looking for a possible injury. That would explain this out of body experience, the lack of blood. But she couldn’t find anything. Physically, he was fine. The problem was not as easy to fix as a physical wound.

“It’s okay, Barry.” She said. Her left hand dropped from his cheek to his chest, feeling his heartbeat under her hand. It was strange, it scared her sometimes. When they were lying in her bad late at night, she would put her head on his chest and listen to his heartbeats. Barry explained it to her, he was a speedster and this was normal for him. Yet, it never stopped scaring Iris. It was beating too fast and she felt like his heart could stop any moment. When Barry was long asleep at night,  Iris’ arms would tighten around his strong body in fear of losing him. Maybe it was strange to feel that way when he was safe, in bed, with her. He spent his days fighting criminals or teaming up with Justice League to face bigger threats. Yet, what scared her the most was watching him slip through her hands. To feel him leaving her and not being able to do anything about it. 

Right now, it was exactly how she felt. It was like she was losing Barry.

“Barry,” she whispered in the darkness, “please, talk to me.” 

And Iris wouldn’t give up without fighting.

Barry opened his eyes  again; his baby blues were focused on the ceiling. His empty, blank expression was replaced one with terror.  Iris’ hand clenched on Barry’s chest. 

“I am so stupid.” He mumbled. “So stupid, so naïve, so useless.” 

Iris frowned at his words. Barry could be weird sometimes, socially awkward, and oblivious to things around him. But he was also the smartest, sharpest and brightest person she’s ever known. He had a great mind combined with his kindness and his fighting spirit. He was so, very unique to her. 

“Barry, come on, you know that’s not true.” She grasped his left hand. “Whatever the problem is, we can handle it. Together. You don’t have to be alone.”

“No. We can’t.” He moaned painfully and let her hand go, pulling his knees against his chest and wrapped his arms around his legs. Iris couldn’t see his expression when he pressed his forehead against his knees but she could feel him fighting tears.  Iris’ heart skipped a beat. Barry didn’t cry. He had downs and ups like everyone else but Iris never saw him cry before. Whatever it was, it was really, really bad. “You can’t fix it. I can’t fix it. It’s all my fault!”

He raised his head slightly to look into her eyes with his own glistering with unshed tears. 

“All this time... I was so dumb. It was me.”

“What?” Barry was mumbling nonsense and Iris couldn’t keep up with him. He shook his head and closed his eyes tightly.

“It was me. She died. And it was all my fault.” Iris bit her lower lip with worry. If someone died on Barry’s watch, if Barry failed to save a citizen, then it would destroy him. 

“I am sure it wasn’t your fault, honey.” She placed her hand on Barry’s knee. “ Who... Who died?”

“My mother.”  Iris’ eyes widened with shock. Iris knew all about Barry’s past. He didn’t like talking about it but he didn’t hide anything from her either. But Barry’s mother died years ago when he was a kid. And Barry was never this bad, not even on the anniversary of her death or when he was visiting her grave. 

Her lack of reaction made Barry whimper and press his hands against his head like he was trying to block the bad thoughts. Iris shook her head slightly and tried to gather her own thoughts. Barry needed her. He was always there for others and now she would be here for him. 

“Barry... you didn’t kill your mother. It wasn’t your fault. You told me what happened. You showed me case files. You were a child and you weren’t even at home. There was nothing you could do.” 

“But I could stop him! He was there for me. I should have been the one who died. Not her.”  Iris’ eyes widened with terror.

“You... you know who it was?” If Barry found out about her mother’s murderer, that would explain his current state. But none of that made sense. It felt like he was talking nonsense to her. Barry’s father talked to him several times. Barry knew it wasn’t his fault. Why would he now start blaming himself?

“Eobard Thawne.” He turned his head, lowering his arms. She could see his face darkening. “That’s his name.”

That was an unusual name. It wouldn’t be so hard to track him down. Iris had connections. She could find the bastard. And if Barry had enough evidence, they could get that sick bastard together. Iris didn’t have the Speed Force or any superpower but she could feel her reporter side taking over her body. Her face hardened.

“That’s it, Barry. You found him. Now we can get him, we will find him and make sure he rots in jail. And your father will be free. Everything will be better.” 

But Barry didn’t share her feelings. He shook his head and closed his eyes again.

“No, we can’t. We can’t do anything. It is all useless.” This wasn’t the Barry Allen she knew. Barry would never give up. And if Barry was too tired to fight this battle, that was okay with Iris. She would do this one for him. 

“It is not. I promise  you; I will find him—”

“You won’t. You can’t.” Barry pressed his fingers against his eyes tiredly. “He doesn’t exist. Not yet.”

“Okay.” Iris sighed tiredly. She was getting used to hearing strange things since she met Barry. “Help me to understand.”

“Eobard Thawne doesn’t belong here, Iris. He isn’t even born yet. He won’t be for a long time.” Iris knew Barry had strange abilities, ones that even he couldn’t understand sometimes. But this? This was too much. 

“Are you... talking about time travel? If so... what does it have to do anything with you, Barry?”

“This Thawne guy... he is from the future and he claims to know me.” At least Barry looked more like himself than he was when she found him. “He says we meet in the future and whatever I did to him pisses me off so much that he goes back in time to destroy me.” Barry looks down at his hands with a frown on his face. “He is also a speedster.”

“So... does that mean you can also time travel?” Barry shrugs like this is the most normal thing in the world.

“Possibly. I don’t know.”

“But why would he come after you?” Iris couldn’t imagine Barry doing something so horrible to someone, no matter what. Hell, Barry Allen approached his Rogues with patience and kindness. He would never hurt anyone to the point that would make them want to hurt Barry the most violent, most personal, and horrible way. 

“He didn’t tell me. He talked about the Speed Force. How it chose us and how we were meant to be rivals. He went back in time to destroy me but for some reason, his existence is tied to mine so he couldn’t kill me. Instead he—” Barry bit his lower lip, his wide eyes were glistering wet even in the darkness of the lab. Iris reached forward again to hold his hands. He needed contact to keep him grounded right now and she would give him to that. She would give him everything he needed. 

Barry laughs darkly.

“He told me I was special. Like he was praising a pupil. He told me I was the chosen one, that Speed Force was looking for me as its perfect vessel for thousand years.” He leaned against the desk again and looked at her with a bittersweet smile. “Can you imagine? Me, the chosen one? What a bullshit.”

“Why not?”

“Because I am me, Iris! I am Barry who is always late, who can’t do anything right, who doesn’t know what to do or say in an important situation, who fails everyone around him! Who lets people get hurt because he is an idiot who thinks he can be a hero just because he gained some powers in a freak accident!”

“You  _ are _ a hero, Barry.” 

“Tell that to my mother, Iris.” She frowned at him.

“She would agree with me, Barry.” Her face softened. “She would be so proud of you. Everyone you saved... every good you have done for this city... She would tell you the same thing: You are a hero.”

“You are wrong about me, Iris.” He sighed tiredly. “Everything comes full circle. I failed my father, he is in jail because of me. I failed my mother, she is dead. They weren’t always the happiest couple but they could... they would... If I didn’t ruin their lives... just because I was playing the hero.” He looked at her with teary eyes. “I will fail you, too, eventually.”

“You can’t blame yourself.”  Iris’ fingers continued to massage his knee. He didn’t say anything for a moment, his eyes were turned to the ceiling again. He looked deep in thoughts. Iris didn’t want to interrupt his thoughts, she tried to be the silent support.

“I am scared.” He whispered like he was admitting this to himself more than to her. 

“And it’s okay, Barry.” The moment those words left her lips, Barry sobbed loudly and moved in a speed that left her speechless for a second and buried his face against her neck. Iris wrapped her arms around her boyfriend and caressed his back affectionately as he sobbed. He placed a soft kiss on his blond hair and pressed her cheek against the top of his head. 

Iris West was feeling lost for the first time. She was good at handling problems. But those were usually normal problems. She didn’t know what to do against a time-traveling evil speedster who dedicated himself to hurt the man she loved. 

“It’s okay, Barry.” She whispered. “You aren’t alone. I am here.”

“This change everything, Iris.” He sobbed against her neck. “I can’t... I can’t even visit my father anymore. I can’t face him. I can’t look into his eyes knowing that every terrible thing that happened to him was my fault. That my decision destroyed our family.”

“You are Barry Allen. You handled everything this Thawne guy threw at you before. And you didn’t even have your powers back then. Even when you were a kid, you didn’t let him stop you from becoming a hero. From becoming the kindest man I know. No matter what he did to you, you still protected your spirit. Your kindness. Your big heart. Those are things he couldn’t take away from you.” Her hand reached up and brushed his hair. “You never hesitated, Barry. When  Darkseid came knocking our doors, you didn’t hesitate to face him. When Thawne framed your father, you never faltered. You always believed your father. You fought your entire life to save him. He thinks he could play the god in your life but you proved him wrong. He couldn’t control you. No matter what, you became the hero you were supposed to be.” She pulled back to look at his face. “This is who you are, Flash.”

“I don’t feel like a hero right now.” She nodded.

“And that’s okay. You don’t always have to feel strong or powerful to be a hero. You fight back even when you don’t feel strong or powerful. And that’s what makes you the Central City’s hero.”

He looked up at her tiredly. Iris wanted to get a gun from one of the  cops downstairs and hunt down that Thawne guy herself. Barry Allen deserved better. Fuck, Barry Allen deserves  _ so _ much better. Now he was looking at her with those big blue eyes that traced every part of her face with admiration and love. It felt wrong, it was supposed to make her happy, not hurt her like this.

“I love you, Iris.” He whispered and pulled back slowly. Iris felt a cold hand wrap around her heart. Barry put a safe distance between them, he looked more... sober now. Iris wanted to reach for him, tell him that she loved him, too and that she would never let him go. She wanted to kiss him and hold him. But suddenly, there were oceans between them. A distance that she felt like she couldn’t cross. “But I—” He struggled to find the right words. “I need to think. I need to... plan. And understand and...”

He looked around like he was searching for the right words.  Iris’ heart skipped a beat when she realized what he was trying to say. She  straightened up on her knees and looked alarmed.

“Barry. No. Don’t. Don’t do this. You are letting him win. Fuck, Barry, don't let him do this to you. To us.”

“Iris, I—”

“Don’t let him take this,” she grasped his hands, “away from us.” 

“That is what I am trying to do!” He was almost begging her to let him go. “I am not saying good-bye, Iris. I just need time. I have so many things to do. He got away, Iris. He is on the loose. And he knows how much this city means to me.” He looked down at their hands. “How much you mean to me.” His eyes darkened with determination. This was the Barry she knew. “I have to be ready. He will come back. For me. For  everything I love. And I have to be ready to face him.”

“We will face him together, Barry. You and me.”

“Iris, don’t. If you... if you love me, don’t.” He turned his hands in hers and wrapped his fingers around hers. “I can’t let him get to you. Touch you. Hurt you. It would kill me. Let me go.” He whispered. “Let me go now so I can come back later.”

Iris closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Now it was her turn to be strong. Barry was Barry. She hated it but she knew she had to let him do whatever he felt like he needed to do. This was his fight. All she could promise to him was her love. 

“Barry, listen... I hate this, I don’t want to let you go but... if this is what you need... then, do it. Just promise me one thing.” She opened her eyes and pressed her forehead against his. “You will come back to me.”

“Iris...”

“I will wait for you.” She didn’t let him react or say something stupid like it wouldn’t be fair to her and she shouldn’t waste her time waiting for him. She pressed her lips against his. 

“I love you, Barry.” she whispered against his lips. She could feel him pulling away slowly. He stood up and extended his hand to her. She took his hand and let him pull her to her feet. They stood there for a moment, looking into each other’s eyes.

“I will, Iris.” He gave her one last smile. “I will fight. For us. For a future with you.”

She gave his hand one last squeeze before he pulled back and in the blink of an eye, he was gone. Iris looked down at her hand that he was holding a moment ago and sighed.

“I know, Barry. I know you will.”

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading I am lanthimo on tumblr


End file.
